My Biggest Mistake
At first glance you would say, “Why yes! Your biggest mistake has clearly been your lack of writing on your blog!”
But I would beg to differ. My absence from the web presence has been purely out of need for the simplification of life. The soul crushing, self imposed pressure that I felt to produce writing added much welcomed to stress to an already full plate. So I took a break. Granted, that break lasted much longer than I had intended it to, but it was an incredibly gratifying experience.
My break gave me the opportunity to practice saying no.
- No – I will not take time to write a blog post.
- No – I will not be able to join the choir this Sunday.
- No – We will not be attending (fill in the blank) event.
That freedom and strength to say so was liberating.
Before I began saying now, I was on the run ALL the time. A meeting here, an appointment there, a commitment somewhere else. Always feeling obliged to say yes and help out for fear that if people stopped asking me, I was stop existing. My self worth was tied to the feeling of being needed. I feared floating away from this terrestrial sphere if I didn’t have the weight of commitment to hold me down.
And do you know what happened? Exactly what I feared. No one needed me. There were no inquiries from adoring fans about the lack of blog posts. The choir continued to sing beautifully and glorify the Lord every Sunday. And events and happenings continued to be held. The world didn’t miss my presence.
However, something magical happened. I had more time. I had more energy. My children flourished. In the last year, both have had amazing growth in their language and social skills. We go more places together. And the BEST part… more tickling matches! There is more time to just “be”. To just exist and stop and smell the roses. There is a peace to our household. If something doesn’t get done today, its ok! We have time tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong. We do not live completely sanitized of schedule and structure. I still cling like a life line to my calendar and check it feverishly every morning. But now, the days are filled with trips the park, play dates, and new experiences. The boys do the best when then have a predictable structure and routine to follow. But knowing from day to day that there will be fun things to look forward to, has made them more able to “go with the flow” when Mommy has some crazy idea to try.
I miss the buzzing around. The crazy hectic life. I certainly miss that feeling of being needed and wanted by others. I hunger for that validation I feel when only I can help. But when I really step back and look at my life, I am not missing anything at all. My biggest mistake was not learning to say “No” sooner. The sound of laughter and love have been my biggest rewards.